My Poetry
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Our Battles with this Illness
Hmm… c growing up wasn't easy
Not just through financial hardship and strife
But cause M**** and I neva really got on
Making things harder I a already troubled life
M**** is ya typical strong black woman
A single parent, but entrepreneur and psychologist
She paved the way for my motivation and work ethic
But love, affection, time and understanding were all missed
I felt isolated, depressed and needed a listening ear
But M**** was juggling to much at once
So something had to give and cause externally I seemed ok
I moved out at 14 and only saw M**** every other month
Things were ok, hard but manageable
I looked after myself and my business
But as time went on and consistency increased
It was only a matter of time until things turned to unhappiness
One day outta the blue M**** called
To say they'd found a lump that was that seemed to be cancerous
After numerous tests and decisions made by doctors
They told her the cancer was invasive and very dangerous
Upon hearing the news I quickly rushed over
Straight from work after collecting my son
She was distressed and confused over the journey she'd now make
But moms being the fighter she is fought to do all that could be done.
Gradually I began seeing M**** as no longer
The strong, defiant self sufficient woman
But a lady now humbled by this life threatening disease
That you wouldn't wish on anyone.
M**** had the op, then the chemo, now radiotherapy
All both devastating in their own unique ways
And as I've seen her pain and apprehension
I've also seen the battle for her hair, weight and confidence to remain
Now I'm tryna b there when as much as possible
Cook, clean and visit more frequently than I'd normally
But while moms battles cancer and tries to stay positive
I feel little emotion even tho M**** is so poorly.
Now I gotta drop some history on you
Before you think I'm ungrateful and cold
But c during ma upbringing moms and me had a rough journey
And what you see in me is what's been mould
I've gone through a lot of sh*t with no support
Financially, emotionally and spirirtually
An even tho from the outside looking in M**** was a gd role model
You can't successfully bring up a child solely supporting them mentally
Don't get me wrong…… knowledge is power
And to be bombarded with information has its 'goods'
But without the time and understanding to support the above
As a teacher your student will neva know all they should
I feel hurt I was left to feel all emotions alone
You know I didn't wna live anymore M****
I took that shaver and kept cutting away
And you neva said anything M****
You let me leave home before I should of
And you didn't even come look for me
In your head I was rebelling cuase I had it too gd
But M**** I hated what you wanted me to be
My leaving was gd for us though really
Cause if I didn't I woulda bn dead or bn killed
So now I've finally found ma feet
An I can still respect and admire you being string willed
Thing is tho M****, my mummy died
Along time ago and I still haven't grieved
Gran was ma lifeline, my hero, my guide
So now I battle 2 help u selflessly while u still ignore what I've achieved.
I will always b your daughter
And always come running when you call
But I just wish I could do it more lovingly
And I wish you'd wna catch me when I fall
I see the pain in your eyes over your ill-health
Your business slowing down, and you being alone
But M**** your achievements have made you selfish
So now the most u have is one 'friend', big house and your still alone
Talking of your 'friend' M****
I respect your choice and your preference in women
Growing up you ensured there were no male role models
But now u seem disappointed in my preference being men
I'm non judge-mental and a loving person M****
And endeavour to be humble in your presence
But the decisions you've made have affected those around you
And you caused so many people to have a grievance
M**** point is my love is on-going
And no matter how strong or weak, it'll always be there
But M**** it'd be great for you to take this time
To look into your self and find what motivates you to care
I'm scared that you've lost all humility
And that over time you've become bitter
But I've learnt form your mistake
And I'll ensure to try being a better mother cause I neither am a quitter
So as you battle with the real cancer
I'm battling with this cancer of my own
The struggle of not having had a M**** there while growing up
As das still destroying me inside even tho I'm grown
My knowledge I want to share
But in a way positively that does not undermine
I want to love honestly unconditionally
Not because they've achieved what I've defined.
I will still play the obedient child M****
But as I watch your struggle I know it's hard for us both
Despite my feelings tho M****
I will always have respect for you M**** that my oath
For Your Response
Please help me understand this
Why did you lie about that baby
I didn't know I was your first encounter
So why did you lie so elaborately
I believed every word that you said
As I had such innocence and calm
But you took advantage of my naivety
And played with me in your palm
Be honest b, y did you not help me through
Such a traumatic and difficult time
What I went through alone changed my life
And you weren't even there to say 'it'll be fine'
I had to let you go baby as you
Non –communicative ways were unsupportive
I thought you'd even put up a fight to stay with me
But you didn't seem to care about what I went on and did
Tell me b, did you think I was lying
About the predicament I was in
Did you really believe thati was trying to stop you
From achieving all you believed in
I wana be open baby and make you feel good
To be open with me too
So please baby put my mind at rest
And let me know the difference bwtween the lie and the truth
I wanna know how you felt when I told you
I wanna know what you thought …telll me however
You know you're the only person I'd never give up on
So don't feel like it's too late to bring brighter whether
Are you really unable to have a family baby
As back then you were adamant it couldn't be yours
You said you'd had that part of life giving removed
But that still didn't hep explaining my predicament
Did you really go under the knife/have that op
And are you still in that same position
Are you saying that you thought I was telling you lies
Because you couldn't be part of recreation?
What did you think I did about it
Or was I meant to have kept lying to cover my lie
Did you not see I wanted to be with you
But wouldn't ever of stopped you from being able to fly
I wanna understand what happened
In your heart, your head and your soul,
When I told you in the park what was going on
You never once tried to play any kinda role
Unanswered questions race through my mind
Did you feel I lied to try and trap you
Did you think that was part of my master plan
Did you think my intentions were untrue
Please know I hold no grudges baby
Simply I hold hurt, confusion and awknowledgement
That the experience I went thourgh made me who I am today
Despite what little for you it might have meant
Of all my childhood memories baby
Your one of the best, but also one of the most painful
What I would love sweetie if for you to provide clarity bout what I've asked
And for this I'll be eternally grateful
© 2007 All rights reserved.
No republication of this material, in any form or medium, is permitted without express permission of the author
Their word or mine?
B, I can feel the blood rushing around
Every vein in my being
I just read the note that you left for me
An I can't believe what I'm seeing.
Ist off before I start tearing you down
I wna THANKU for your LATE revelation
I didn't know you felt so strongly bout all this
But let me drop on you a lil education
Now normally I cringe when I hear women say
'How dare you…' and 'Baby we need to talk..'
But I understand y shit gets so predictable
A there are similarities between weak ass men like you that wna walk
U wna walk away from acceptance, love
Kindness, certainty and appreciation
You knew how bad I loved you
and despite our past u wna believe them bout ma reputation
Stinking liars, jealous hates, it's them that b
Winning this game you seem to wna play
But I'm grown now sweetie, and I'm about keeping it real
So listen carefully to these words I'l gna now say ..
I DIDN'T break our TRUST, YOUR confidence
Or our FRIENDSHIP baby
I AM friends with HIM, and you know exactly how we roll
And baby you should know that I am nothing but a lady
You KNOW my RESPECT for YOU runs real deep
And my LOVE for you is EVERLASTING
Check yourself before you wna run up your mouth
As I'll be the one left out here laughing
I'm so mad right now, at YOU, your WORDS
Your thoughts and your accusation
Just cause they knew a few bits of info
Doesn't mean the whole story has no elaborations
The saddest thing is that your automatically
Believed that skank over me
I'm devastated you hold so much hate
About something that was created to hurt me
The stories, the looks, the questions you asked
Its all created what we have now
A fuc*** situation, a bit*h with whom I want a provocation
And I'm continually angry so all I wna do is row
I'm a chilled out one normally babes
But nothing I do now can console my emotions
Your lack of reasoning, and distance from what your heart says
Explains your inability to appreciate ma devotion
Here we go, 'but don't you dare tell me…'
That I've become someone you want to distance yourself from
After all the drama and hurt you but me through
I'm the only one willing to accept you exactly as you come
I'm not after anything you have baby
Not your connections, opportunities or recognition
So don't ever bring up what I coulda had wit you
As I don't need you to accomplish ma ambition
Time after time I explain that back in the day
I wasn't' as supportive of you
Because at that time I needed support of my own
And I thought that had to come from you
More recently I've tried to convey that
I'm here for you in any way you need
But you'd rather believe that I wna hurt you
Which is an idea conjured up by those who on drama feed
I've said ma piece, the rest b up to you now
It's your choice about who you trust, and who you think loves you
All I know is that from back then I'd of done anything for you
And despite the hurt your causing now,my love for you is still true
© 2007 All rights reserved.
No republication of this material, in any form or medium, is permitted without express permission of the author
Nanna
On a day like this who would have known
That today would be your final day
I would have never imagined that the end was so near
When I look back on memories, just up to yesterday
You have been a devoted grandmother
A trusted friend and a mother in so many ways
You have been my inspiration for doing numerous things
I feel sad that there are to be no more of those days
I could sit here and wish that I said this and that
But that isn't going to get me very far
So instead of me mourning, I'm going to continue believing
That you will always be my guiding star
Thank you for being understanding when I was
Younger, a bit difficult and naive
You'd always pull me up, and try to show me right from wrong
And always made me feel like in life I would succeed
You've helped me find myself In more ways
than you could ever understand
And i can't be grateful enough for you being you
And always giving advice and that helpful hand.
As time goes on and your smell fades away
I'll continue to cherish your pictures and my memories
Although i wish you were still here to talk to, laugh or cry with
My love and respect for you will go on for centuries
Religion
I’m always asked 2 explain ma religion
As they want to categorise us based on our understanding
But I’m not religious, I’m a spiritual woman
And I find it enlightening and manageably less demanding
I have been blessed enough to have seen a few religions
In their place of worship and teaching
And after seeing all I’d rather be ‘me’
As I can’t come to terms with some of the things they believe in
Some ‘fear god’ which is something that eludes me
Why would we want to fear what we love and respect
Some condemn others because of their sexual preference
While others want to destroy what’s different with no regrets
There are extremists, pacifists and preachers
There are temples, churches and mosques
But for me self respect, selflessness and gratitude
Allows me to extend my love to others at no cost
I love learning so enjoy experiencing different faiths
To see what holds them, guides them, and in their eyes sees all
Whether it’s a church or synagogue one thing in common
Is that they all build their religious walls.
These institutions create an illusion
That their walls are the sanctuary that evil can’t break through
But when a believer is sometimes engulfed by fear, hate or doubt
Sometimes they r still unclear of who to turn to, and what to do
We do as ‘people’ need something to believe in
And it’s human nature that we’d want to have faith
In comparison for me religion is a feeling
That guides me, teaches me and keeps me safe.
Extraction…..
The following piece is not for the faint hearted
As it’s an open and truthful piece
It’s riddled with descriptive pain and pressure
That I’m honestly about to come to terms with and release….
She sat there in the waiting room looking down at the ground
Not knowing whether it was because of shame or fear
But as she waited for them to call her in
She began to run over the events from the past year.
There’d been an amalgamation of acquaintances
Ones whom she couldn’t even remember their name
And for the past few months there had been numerous incidents
Where she had been where she shouldn’t, so she was to blame.
Now as she sat there contemplating her promiscuity
It actually hit her, that she had no idea of whose it could of been..
But as she thought more about it, it became irrelevant
As she didn’t want to have to go through it alone without a thing
As she sat there in the waiting room looking down at the ground
She began to feel guilt about what she was about to do
Tho she couldn’t understand fully why it was affecting her so
As she sat there she became more and more blue
She attempted to be courageous and look around the room
Admittedly she thought many of the other women looked a lot like herself
She assumed this because they weren’t there with their partners
Some were dressed humbly and some looked in bad health
Regardless of what she thought she knew that they all
Had one sad they were all addressing
The fact that they were all wanting to get rid
Of what many women see as a blessing.
As she was about to evaluate her situation again
A nurse came out calling her name
This is it she thought, I gotta decide my future
And as she got up, she realised she felt immense pain
Emotional pain so intense she had to take a minute
She became out of breath and tearful
And wanted to immediately run out of the building
But she followed the nurse despite being fearful
She sat there answering the nurses’ questions
And as she did numbness flowed down her spine
As she continually gave almost automated responses
She began to ponder over how this wasn’t her first time
She’d been to this type of clinic before
She’d also vowed to neva let her passion become her pain
She had promised herself to respect her body more
And not to be mis-led by guys that were selfish and vain
How did she let this happen again
She still remembered the procedure from last time which scared her
She could still smell the murderous air that had lingered in the room
And remembered how concerned the nurses were
It had been a mixture of thinking that she was being given an option,
and fate wouldn’t let bad things happen again
But in reality it was ignorance, the bad company
And the drink which always contributed then,
After her blood pressure was taken and a scan performed
She had an urge to look at her baby
She wanted the picture they took for her machine
Even tho she didn’t want it, her intense feelings made her judgement hazy
The nurse advised her that she’d get no
She needed to now return to the front desk
She briefly sorted out payment and then wanted to go
Where she’d put her unborn to rest
Time seemed to creep by as she waited
An when the time finally came she wished it hadn’t
Although she was only 8weeks old the realisation that
It would be no more made her saddened
On all the occasion she’d been here she neva really
Thought of the life she was murdering
It just seemed like the sensible thing
As she really could barely support herself let alone another human being.
Not Nice (Frankly called Rape)
The fear and frustration, confusion and pain
The sense of truly being helpless, misguided and alone
The knowledge that you have little options now
And the realisation that now you should be home.
It all started as a normal day
A winters evening, that was cold and dark
Little did she know that a nightmare await her
In that seemingly familiar park
She had just left her friend’s house
And happily anticipated going home to a warm hot meal
But that night changed her life forever
And left her with scars that would never be healed.
On her entrance to the park,
She considered which path to take that’d be safer
But she chose incorrectly and ended up
Going through something that people would only find out later.
What happened that night changed this girl,
Into a girl that no longer had innocence
And the chain of events that happened even after that night
Were as a result of her continued ignorance.
In the park that night a man appeared
Who came up from behind taking the girl to the ground by force
He imposed himself and his manhood
With little expression or thought of remorse.
After an 1hr of horrendous abuse
At the hands of a stranger and his knife
The girl called the police, and her mother
And only the police saved the girls life.
The police came, consoled and carried the girl
To the safety of hospital where she was examined
The girl’s mother never came to the hospital
But instead waited @ home as if nothing had happened.
The mother never spoke about the incident and when she did
It was only to criticise the child for being out at that time
The mother failed to realise how that child needed help emotionally
And the child failed to realise the mother felt guilty for the crime?!
The child gradually found a way to disregarded what happened
By not allowing herself to be frightened by men
But her plan was to allow men to from now on do with her what they wanted
Which as you can imagine meant she wasn’t respected by them.
She basically allowed herself to feel nothing
When being intimate with a man
And that proved to work for a while
Until she realised they didn’t give a dam.
As time and life went on and the girl independence’s grew
She learnt the hard way of what not to do
She slowly learnt to gain a man’s trust and respect
And tried not to give away herself in fear that they’d be crude
It was a journey that she battled
With unfortunately no support or guidance
She’s redeemed her ways and mentality
And now feels more acceptance.
Regardless of whose fault the incident in the park
She now is fearless, confident and loves men
She successfully learnt to not let her experience deter her
From being appreciated, respected and adored by them.
Addiction
I neva thought through all my obsessions
I’d come across one I couldn’t control
To feel dependant on something is neva a good thing
An I’m slowly watching myself dig a deeper hole
I started because of the company I kept
Who were constantly on it every minute
And now I’m the addict, disgusted with myself
Watching a good life slowly diminish
I’ve come to a point where I can admit
I have a problem and need assistance
But I’m not yet able to realise time’s running out
And I just keep giving in to resistance
I’ve got no support and no way of getting
A fresh start which is what I really need
So to aid my depression the vicious circle continues
And I use more while my heart silently bleeds
Now when something’s broken, you can always fix it
And a broken heart in time can be mended
But when your heart bleeds, u lose vital emotional nutrients
That makes you able to leave everyone you know affected.
From I open my eyes in the mourning
My first thought is to get that hit
And throughout the day my wants steadily remains
And I never manage to get sick of it
I’m so hooked I’ll literally force hold my bodily functions
To remain intact while I make my next hit..
Even when I feel my bladder letting loose and wanting to be relived
I still can’t move until I’ve made my sh*t
When I’m out I’m ok and I can forget my need
And any need I have can be replaced with nicotine for a while
But when I’m at home I gotta always get my smoke
So much so that if I don’t’ have it I can become vile.
If I’m honest I’m actually worried about the person I’ll be
When I finally put down the smoke and fight my problem
because I use it to help keep me calm, collected and in control
Without it I fear I’ll come across issues without being able to solve them
I’ve built up a serious dependency
And I actually now believe I can do anything when I’m high
So I’m yet to get to a stage where my health and well-being are paramount
So until then I’m left just watching life pass me by
I remember I used to make fun of junkies
An say how that’d neva b me
Now I’m the one building blunts and smoking pipes
Someone tell me how to break free….. someone please help me….
© 2011 All rights reserved.
No republication of this material, in any form or medium, is permitted without express permission of the author