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Our Battles with this Illness 

Hmm… c growing up wasn't easy 

Not just through financial hardship and strife

But cause M**** and I neva really got on

Making things harder I a already troubled life

M**** is ya typical strong black woman

A single parent, but entrepreneur and psychologist

She paved the way for my motivation and work ethic

But love, affection, time and understanding were all missed

I felt isolated, depressed and needed a listening ear

But M**** was juggling to much at once

So something had to give and cause externally I seemed ok

I moved out at 14 and only saw M**** every other month

Things were ok, hard but manageable

I looked after myself and my business

But as time went on and consistency increased

It was only a matter of time until things turned to unhappiness

One day outta the blue M**** called

To say they'd found a lump that was that seemed to be cancerous

After numerous tests and decisions made by doctors

They told her the cancer was invasive and very dangerous

Upon hearing the news I quickly rushed over

Straight from work after collecting my son

She was distressed and confused over the journey she'd now make

But moms being the fighter she is fought to do all that could be done.

Gradually I began seeing M**** as no longer

The strong, defiant self sufficient woman

But a lady now humbled by this life threatening disease

That you wouldn't wish on anyone.

M**** had the op, then the chemo, now radiotherapy

All both devastating in their own unique ways

And as I've seen her pain and apprehension

I've also seen the battle for her hair, weight and confidence to remain

Now I'm tryna b there when as much as possible

Cook, clean and visit more frequently than I'd normally

But while moms battles cancer and tries to stay positive

I feel little emotion even tho M**** is so poorly.

Now I gotta drop some history on you

Before you think I'm ungrateful and cold

But c during ma upbringing  moms and me had a rough journey

And what you see in me is what's been mould

I've gone through a lot of sh*t with no support

Financially, emotionally and spirirtually

An even tho from the outside looking in M**** was a gd role model

You can't successfully bring up a child solely supporting them mentally

Don't get me wrong…… knowledge is power

And to be bombarded with information has its 'goods'

But without the time and understanding to support the above

As a teacher your student will neva know all they should

I feel hurt I was left to feel all emotions alone

You know I didn't wna live anymore M****

I took that shaver and kept cutting away

And you neva said anything M****

You let me leave home before I should of

And you didn't even come look for me

In your head I was rebelling cuase I had it too gd

But M**** I hated what you wanted me to be

My leaving was gd for us though really

Cause if I didn't I woulda bn dead or bn killed

So now I've finally found ma feet

An I can still  respect and admire you being  string willed

Thing is tho M****, my mummy died

Along time ago and I still haven't grieved

Gran was ma lifeline, my hero, my guide

So now I battle 2 help u selflessly while u still ignore what I've achieved.

I will always b your daughter

And always come running when you call

But I just wish I could do it more lovingly

And I wish you'd wna catch me when I fall

I see the pain in your eyes over your ill-health

Your business slowing down, and you being alone

But M**** your achievements have made you selfish

So now the most u have is one 'friend', big house and your still alone


Talking of your 'friend' M****

I respect your choice and your preference in women

Growing up you ensured there were no male role models

But now u seem disappointed in my preference being men

I'm non judge-mental and a loving person M****

And endeavour to be humble in your presence

But the decisions you've made have affected those around you

And you caused so many people to have a grievance

M**** point is my love is on-going

And no matter how strong or weak, it'll always be there

But M**** it'd be great for you to take this time

To look into your self and find what motivates you to care

I'm scared that you've lost all humility

And that over time you've become bitter

But I've learnt form your mistake

And I'll ensure to try being a better mother cause I neither am a quitter

So as you battle with the real cancer

I'm battling with this cancer of my own

The struggle of not having had a M**** there while growing up

As das still destroying me inside even tho I'm grown

My knowledge I want to share

But in a way positively that does not undermine

I want to love honestly unconditionally

Not because they've achieved what I've defined.

I will still play the obedient child M****

But as I watch your struggle I know it's hard for us both

Despite my feelings tho M****

I will always have respect for you M**** that my oath 

 

For Your Response

 

Please help me understand this
Why did you lie about that baby

I didn't know I was your first encounter

So why did you lie so elaborately

I believed every word that you said

As I had such innocence and calm

But you took advantage of my naivety

And played with me in your palm

Be honest b, y did you not help me through

Such a traumatic and difficult time

What I went through alone changed my life

And you weren't even there to say 'it'll be fine'

I had to let you go baby as you

Non –communicative ways were unsupportive

I thought you'd even put up a fight to stay with me

But you didn't seem to care about what I went on and did

Tell me b, did you think I was lying

About the predicament I was in

Did you really believe thati was trying to stop you

From achieving all you believed in

I wana be open baby and make you feel good

To be open with me too

So please baby put my mind at rest

And let me know the difference bwtween the lie and the truth

I wanna know how you felt when I told you

I wanna know what you thought …telll me however

You know you're the only person I'd never give up on

So don't feel like it's too late to bring brighter whether

Are you really unable to have a family baby

As back then you were adamant it couldn't be yours

You said you'd had that part of life giving removed

But that still didn't hep explaining my predicament

Did you really go under the knife/have that op

And are you still in that same position

Are you saying that you thought I was telling you lies

Because you couldn't be part of recreation?

What did you think I did about it

Or was I meant to have kept lying to cover my lie

Did you not see I wanted to be with you

But wouldn't ever of stopped you from being able to fly

I wanna understand what happened

In your heart, your head and your soul,

When I told you in the park what was going on

You never once tried to play any kinda role

Unanswered questions race through my mind

Did you feel I lied to try and trap you

Did you think that was part of my master plan

Did you think my intentions were untrue

Please know I hold no grudges baby

Simply I hold hurt, confusion and awknowledgement

That the experience I went thourgh made me who I am today

Despite what little for you it might have meant

Of all my childhood memories baby

Your one of the best, but also one of the most painful

What I would love sweetie if for you to provide clarity bout what I've asked

And for this I'll be eternally grateful

© 2007 All rights reserved.
No republication of this material, in any form or medium, is permitted without express permission of the author

  

Their word or mine? 

B, I can feel the blood rushing around
Every vein in my being

I just read the note that you left for me

An I can't believe what I'm seeing.

Ist off before I start tearing you down

I wna THANKU for your LATE revelation

I didn't know you felt so strongly bout all this

But let me drop on you a lil education

Now normally I cringe when I hear women say

'How dare you…' and 'Baby we need to talk..'

But I understand y shit gets so predictable

A there are similarities between weak ass men like you that wna walk

U wna walk away from acceptance, love

Kindness, certainty and appreciation

You knew how bad I loved you

and despite our past u wna believe them bout ma reputation

Stinking liars, jealous hates, it's them that b

Winning this game you seem to wna play

But I'm grown now sweetie, and I'm about keeping it real

So listen carefully to these words I'l gna now say ..

I DIDN'T break our TRUST, YOUR confidence

Or our FRIENDSHIP baby

I AM friends with HIM, and you know exactly how we roll

And baby you should know that I am nothing but a lady

You KNOW my RESPECT for YOU runs real deep

And my LOVE for you is EVERLASTING

Check yourself before you wna run up your mouth

As I'll be the one left out here laughing

I'm so mad right now, at YOU, your WORDS

Your thoughts and your accusation

Just cause they knew a few bits of info

Doesn't mean the whole story has no elaborations

The saddest thing is that your automatically

Believed that skank over me

I'm devastated you hold so much hate

About something that was created to hurt me

The stories, the looks, the questions you asked

Its all created what we have now

A fuc*** situation, a bit*h with whom I want a provocation

And I'm continually angry so all I wna do is row

I'm a chilled out one normally babes

But nothing I do now can console my emotions

Your lack of reasoning, and distance from what your heart says

Explains your inability to appreciate ma devotion

Here we go, 'but don't you dare tell me…'

That I've become someone you want to distance yourself from

After all the drama and hurt you but me through

I'm the only one willing to accept you exactly as you come

I'm not after anything you have baby

Not your connections, opportunities or recognition

So don't ever bring up what I coulda had wit you

As I don't need you to accomplish ma ambition 

Time after time I explain that back in the day

I wasn't' as supportive of you

Because at that time I needed support of my own

And I thought that had to come from you

More recently I've tried to convey that

I'm here for you in any way you need

But you'd rather believe that I wna hurt you

Which is an idea conjured up by those who on drama feed

I've said ma piece, the rest b up to you now

It's your choice about who you trust, and who you think loves you

All I know is that from back then I'd of done anything for you

And despite the hurt your causing now,my love for you is still true

© 2007 All rights reserved.
No republication of this material, in any form or medium, is permitted without express permission of the author 

Nanna

On a day like this who would have known
That today would be your final day
I would have never imagined that the end was so near
When I look back on memories, just up to yesterday

You have been a devoted grandmother
A trusted friend and a mother in so many ways
You have been my inspiration for doing numerous things
I feel sad that there are to be no more of those days

I could sit here and wish that I said this and that
But that isn't going to get me very far
So instead of me mourning, I'm going to continue believing
That you will always be my guiding star

Thank you for being understanding when I was
Younger, a bit difficult and naive 
You'd always pull me up, and try to show me right from wrong
And always made me feel like in life I would succeed 

You've helped me find myself In more ways
than you could ever understand
And i can't be grateful enough for you being you
And always giving advice and that helpful hand.

As time goes on and your smell fades away
I'll continue to cherish your pictures and my memories 
Although i wish you were still here to talk to, laugh or cry with
My love and respect for you will go on for centuries

 

Religion

 

I’m always asked 2 explain ma religion

As they want to categorise us based on our understanding

But I’m not religious, I’m a spiritual woman

And I find it enlightening and manageably less demanding

 

I have been blessed enough to have seen a few religions

In their place of worship and teaching

And after seeing all I’d rather be ‘me’

As I can’t come to terms with some of the things they believe in

 

Some ‘fear god’ which is something that eludes me

Why would we want to fear what we love and respect 

Some condemn others because of their sexual preference

While others want to destroy what’s different with no regrets

 

There are extremists, pacifists and preachers

There are temples, churches and mosques

But for me self respect, selflessness and gratitude

Allows me to extend my love to others at no cost

 

I love learning so enjoy experiencing different faiths

To see what holds them, guides them, and in their eyes sees all

Whether it’s a church or synagogue one thing in common

Is that they all build their religious walls.

 

These institutions create an illusion

That their walls are the sanctuary that evil can’t break through

But when a believer is sometimes engulfed by fear, hate or doubt

Sometimes they r still unclear of who to turn to, and what to do

 

We do as ‘people’ need something to believe in

And it’s human nature that we’d want to have faith

In comparison for me religion is a feeling 

That guides me, teaches me and keeps me safe.

 

Extraction…..                       

 

The following piece is not for the faint hearted

As it’s an open and truthful piece

It’s riddled with descriptive pain and pressure

That I’m honestly about to come to terms with and release….

 

She sat there in the waiting room looking down at the ground

Not knowing whether it was because of shame or fear

But as she waited for them to call her in

She began to run over the events from the past year.

 

There’d been an amalgamation of acquaintances

Ones whom she couldn’t even remember their name

And for the past few months there had been numerous incidents

Where she had been where she shouldn’t, so she was to blame.

 

Now as she sat there contemplating her promiscuity

It actually hit her, that she had no idea of whose it could of been..

But as she thought more about it, it became irrelevant

As she didn’t want to have to go through it alone without a thing

 

As she sat there in the waiting room looking down at the ground

She began to feel guilt about what she was about to do

Tho she couldn’t understand fully why it was affecting her so

As she sat there she became more and more blue

 

She attempted to be courageous and look around the room 

Admittedly she thought many of the other women looked a lot like herself

She assumed this because they weren’t there with their partners

Some were dressed humbly and some looked in bad health

 

Regardless of what she thought she knew that they all

Had one sad they were all addressing

The fact that they were all wanting to get rid

Of what many women see as a blessing.

 

As she was about to evaluate her situation again

A nurse came out calling her name

This is it she thought, I gotta decide my future

And as she got up, she realised she felt immense pain

 

Emotional pain so intense she had to take a minute

She became out of breath and tearful

And wanted to immediately run out of the building 

But she followed the nurse despite being fearful

 

She sat there answering the nurses’ questions

And as she did numbness flowed down her spine

As she continually gave almost automated responses

She began to ponder over how this wasn’t her first time

 

She’d been to this type of clinic before

She’d also vowed to neva let her passion become her pain

She had promised herself to respect her body more

And not to be mis-led by guys that were selfish and vain

 

How did she let this happen again

She still remembered the procedure from last time which scared her

She could still smell the murderous air that had lingered in the room

And remembered how concerned the nurses were

 

It had been a mixture of thinking that she was being given an option,

and fate wouldn’t let bad things happen again

But in reality it was ignorance, the bad company

And the drink which always contributed then,

 

After her blood pressure was taken and a scan performed

She had an urge to look at her baby

She wanted the picture they took for her machine

Even tho she didn’t want it, her intense feelings made her judgement hazy

 

The nurse advised her that she’d get no

She needed to now return to the front desk

She briefly sorted out payment and then wanted to go

Where she’d put her unborn to rest

 

Time seemed to creep by as she waited

An when the time finally came she wished it hadn’t

Although she was only 8weeks old the realisation that

It would be no more made her saddened

 

On all the occasion she’d been here she neva really

Thought of the life she was murdering

It just seemed like the sensible thing

As she really could barely support herself let alone another human being.

 

Not Nice (Frankly called Rape)

 

The fear and frustration, confusion and pain

The sense of truly being helpless, misguided and alone

The knowledge that you have little options now

And the realisation that now you should be home.

 

It all started as a normal day

A winters evening, that was cold and dark

Little did she know that a nightmare await her

In that seemingly familiar park

 

She had just left her friend’s house

And happily anticipated going home to a warm hot meal

But that night changed her life forever

And left her with scars that would never be healed.

 

On her entrance to the park,

She considered which path to take that’d be safer

But she chose incorrectly and ended up

Going through something that people would only find out later.

 

What happened that night changed this girl,

Into a girl that no longer had innocence

And the chain of events that happened even after that night

Were as a result of her continued ignorance.

 

In the park that night a man appeared

Who came up from behind taking the girl to the ground by force

He imposed himself and his manhood

With little expression or thought of remorse.

 

After an 1hr of horrendous abuse

At the hands of a stranger and his knife

The girl called the police, and her mother

And only the police saved the girls life.

 

The police came, consoled and carried the girl

To the safety of hospital where she was examined

The girl’s mother never came to the hospital

But instead waited @ home as if nothing had happened.

 

The mother never spoke about the incident and when she did

It was only to criticise the child for being out at that time

The mother failed to realise how that child needed help emotionally

And the child failed to realise the mother felt guilty for the crime?!

 

The child gradually found a way to disregarded what happened

By not allowing herself to be frightened by men

But her plan was to allow men to from now on do with her what they wanted

Which as you can imagine meant she wasn’t respected by them.

 

She basically allowed herself to feel nothing

When being intimate with a man

And that proved to work for a while

Until she realised they didn’t give a dam.

 

 

As time and life went on and the girl independence’s grew

She learnt the hard way of what not to do

She slowly learnt to gain a man’s trust and respect

And tried not to give away herself in fear that they’d be crude

 

It was a journey that she battled

With unfortunately no support or guidance

She’s redeemed her ways and mentality

And now feels more acceptance.

 

Regardless of whose fault the incident in the park

She now is fearless, confident and loves men

She successfully learnt to not let her experience deter her

From being appreciated, respected and adored by them.

 

Addiction

 

I neva thought through all my obsessions

I’d come across one I couldn’t control

To feel dependant on something is neva a good thing

An I’m slowly watching myself dig a deeper hole

 

I started because of the company I kept

Who were constantly on it every minute

And  now I’m the addict, disgusted with myself

Watching a good life slowly diminish

 

I’ve come to a point where I can admit

I have a problem and need assistance

But I’m not yet able to realise time’s running out

And I just keep giving in to resistance

 

I’ve got no support and no way of getting

A fresh start which is what I really need

So to aid my depression the vicious circle continues

And I use more while my heart silently bleeds

 

Now when something’s broken, you can always fix it

And a broken heart in time can be mended

 But when your heart bleeds, u lose vital emotional nutrients

That makes you able to leave everyone you know affected.

 

From I open my eyes in the mourning

My first thought is to get that hit

And throughout the day my wants steadily remains

And I never manage to get sick of it

 

I’m so hooked I’ll literally force hold my bodily functions

To remain intact while I make my next hit..

Even when I feel my  bladder letting loose and wanting to be relived

I still can’t move until I’ve made my sh*t

 

When I’m out I’m ok and I can forget my need

And any need I have can be replaced with nicotine for a while

But when I’m at home I gotta always get my smoke

So much so that if I don’t’ have it I can become vile.

 

If I’m honest I’m actually worried about the person I’ll be

When I finally put down the smoke and fight my problem

because I use it to help keep me calm, collected and in control

Without it I fear I’ll come across issues without being able to solve them

 

I’ve built up a serious dependency

And I actually now believe I can do anything when I’m high

So I’m yet to get to a stage where my health and well-being are paramount

So until then I’m left just watching life pass me by

 

I remember I used to make fun of junkies

An say how that’d neva b me

Now I’m the one building blunts and smoking pipes

Someone tell me how to break free….. someone please help me….

 

© 2011 All rights reserved.
No republication of this material, in any form or medium, is permitted without express permission of the author

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